I’m linking up with Kate and the gang today at Five Minute Friday. The one word prompt is Expect.
Very little in our life has been what we expected. But recent events have pressed in and revealed some larger than we could imagine failing expectations.
A year ago:
We expected that Shane would still be a part time teaching elder.
We expected to continue whatever form of relationship with my mother we could have.
Many years ago, when we moved to the Mid-west, we expected to have a great relationship with my in-laws. In recent years the relationship has deteriorated beyond what we could have ever imagined so many years ago. It has been coming to a head in recent months.
So basically we’re dealing with 3 deaths at the same time. And it’s taking it’s toll.
And then the “normal” daily stresses. Coordinating how to get 6 people that all have different places to go at different times can be a challenge, although a good one, it still adds to the craziness of life. Keeping up with daily chores, traveling with Isaac to Teenpact NC and things like that.
And then there’s the not so normal daily stress. A few months ago, my dad’s renter in our town stopped paying rent. There is not a word that describes the nastiness we’ve found as we’ve begun repair work. Imagine the most disgusting picture of a poorly kept home and multiply it by 100. Toilets so soiled we didn’t even try to clean them, Shane wore a carbon mask laced with lavender to remove them. Four years of pet hair and dust and soil accumulated because this person obviously didn’t know how to use a vacuum cleaner or a bottle of 409. (BTW, note to self, never, ever rent to animal owners).
Nothing seems to be easy. We get done dealing with one thing and something else takes it’s place. I’m tired. Worn. Weary. The stress of recent events has taken it’s toll. There are days where I seem to be barely treading water. There are days when I feel that I’m on the brink of the breaking point.
In the depths of my soul, I know God has a purpose and a plan but there are days I want to run, not walk somewhere far away and never look back. Then I look at others that have it far worse than me and I scold myself for not being able to handle the small lot of garbage God has allowed in my life.
There are days when I’d be okay to never grace the doors of a church again.
Ultimately, I know that these things are not God’s doing. I know it’s because we live in a fallen and broken world and my broken dreams are a part of that world.
Ultimately, I know that we will survive these times. One day, we’ll look back on these things as a distant memory and we’ll be okay. We’ll even be more okay.